Keeping abreast of the situation…

Okay, so perhaps this is somewhat offensive to various groups on many different levels, but by ‘eck is it funny!!!

I had something similar to this happen to me once when I was doing a speed check in coastal Slumtown in Ruralshire.  Well, okay, I’m not retarded and I didn’t attempt to shoot a hobo, but the response of the driver was the same when I started filling out a ticket.

I clocked a car exceeding the limit by a significant amount – fast enough to not even consider letting them off.  Funnily enough, the driver was female.  I’ve lost count of the number of speeding tickets I’ve had to issue in my time (thanks to the drive to reduce the number of people killed or seriously injured on the roads), but I can say hand on heart that more than half have been to women drivers.  What is it with them rushing around?!  According to the insurance adverts, they’re the safer drivers!

Anyway, when she saw me get the ticket book out she did something very similar to the video above.

I had to laugh – I thought this kind of thing only happened in movies and that no-one was really stupid enough to think it actually works!  Needless to say, she got her speeding ticket despite her best efforts.

Makes you wonder, though, how many are able to pull the ‘short-skirt discount’ during their driving test or in other times of need!

Boobies!!! 😛

Note: I laughed so hard I nearly choked when I watched the video above.  Do a search on YouTube for ‘retarded policeman’ and you’ll find a treasure-trove of videos featuring the challenged cop.


10 Responses to “Keeping abreast of the situation…”

  1. Adam Says:

    After only a short drive earlier, I once walked 3 miles in the rain at night, rather than take another lift with a friend of mine. There is not even the faintest of possibilities she passed her driving test by legal means.

    In the words of Drill Sergeant Hartman, she must be able to suck a golf ball through a hose-pipe.

  2. Fee Says:

    Insurance-wise, women do actually have fewer accidents than men, and they tend to be less serious. I worked for a broker for a while, and saw any number of women’s claim forms, usually of the minor-bump variety. The men’s claims (those that we could decipher!) were more often the major damage, or complete write-off. Yes, the old stereotypes were true as well – the women had more car-parking related damage, and the men went for the spectacular.

    Some of the forms we saw had to be seen to be believed – like the old guy who claimed to be going at 30mph while sat at a red light. Or the woman who reported the car stolen, police report and everything, then two days later remembered she’d left it at the train station that morning instead of driving to work. By the time she remembered, we’d filed the claim and had to phone and cancel. Difficult to do that when you can’t stop giggling.

    • kkop Says:

      I think that an awful lot of the insurance statistics can be explained by a bit of psychology and behaviourology (if that’s even a word/field of science!)

      I’m fully accepting that there are always exceptions to the rule and arguments about how generally the rule applies, but generally speaking from my own personal experience of dealing with numerous crashes over the years and my own driving experience, I think men are far more susceptible to the ‘overconfidence’ issue and tend to be more gung-ho with their driving. Women, on the other hand, have a tendency for driving at inappropriate speeds for the circumstances on slower roads – like the 30 limits, for example, but not necessarily in national speed limits.

      Having said that, I dealt with a fantastic crash involving a single vehicle on a tiny country lane, where the female driver had managed to roll her vehicle onto its roof. Having thought about it, it seems she took a bend too fast and mounted the bank at the side of the road, flipping the vehicle. It was quite an achievement, really, especially as no-one was injured.

      I suspect that men, on average, drive over greater distances – the school-run-mums and white-van-delivery men tend to skew the statistics in that respect, so as a result it’s perhaps not unexpected that men have more crashes and they involve greater speeds.

      Still, the best reason for a crash I’ve ever been given was from a guy on his way to work. He lived in deepest Ruralshire and made his way into the local town to work, 5 days a week, 47 weeks a year, without fail. He was a real creature of habit, so his wife told me. He’d rear-ended a parked vehicle as he was coming out of Sleepy Hollow, a small village on his daily route. He’d been driving for the best part of my entire life. It wasn’t foggy, icy, no excessive traffic, no mystical dogs running into the road. His reason for the crash?

      ‘There’s never been a car parked there before!’

  3. Tired and fed-up Says:

    That’s absolutely funny as f**k; probably marks me out as an atrocious sexist with a juvenile sense of humour, but I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t fall out the chair with laughter.

    No wonder you chuckled when this happened to you for real – I’d have been tempted to let her off simply for having the sheer brass neck to try such an old and blatant trick.

    I’m too much of a wimp to offer an opinion on female driving (especially if Mrs Fed-Up sees it) but the driving in general I’ve observed from elderly folks beggars belief. Hope I’m not picking on a soft target, but in terms of careless driving, some older folks appear in a world of their own.

    Wonder if any of them try the boobies gag?

    Sorry…..sorry, that was unnecessary……I’m getting my coat…….sorry.

  4. Crime Analyst Says:

    kKop ….

    Since leaving the police, I’ve spent many years involved in the insurance sector, and have collected some of the funniest explanations given by drivers when submitting claims. You may have seen some of them but I hope they will raise a few chuckles!

    The Very Best Extracts From Insurance Claim Forms

    1. “An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and then vanished.”
    2. “The other car collided with mine without giving fair warning of its intention.”
    3. “Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I haven’t got.”
    4. “No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.”
    5. “The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.”
    6. “A pedestrian hit me and then went under my car. There was nothing I could do.”
    7. “The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
    8. “As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.”
    9. “The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my car.”
    10. “I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.”
    11. “I did not think the train ran on those lines anymore.”
    12. “I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.”
    13. “The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week”
    14. “I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident”
    15. “I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.”
    16. “I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”
    17. “I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.”
    18. “I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind”.
    19. “I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.”
    20. “I was going at about 70 or 80mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.”
    21. “I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.”
    22. “The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.”
    23. “I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn’t when I put my head through it”.
    24. “In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
    25. “I had been shopping for plans all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.”
    26. “I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
    27. “To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.”
    28. “I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car”
    29. “The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”
    30. “I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”
    Some true answers given to claim form questions :-

    Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
    A: Travelled by bus?

    A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
    Q – What warning was given by you?
    A – Horn
    Q – What warning was given by the other party?
    A – Moo

    Kind Regards
    Steve – Nice 1 Ltd

  5. inspectorgadget Says:

    Happy Christmas!

  6. Crime Analyst Says:

    Merry Christmas kK – have a good un!
    Best Wishes – Steve

  7. Anon Says:

    A bit late but two you might appreciate…

    Some years ago, when I lived in Western Australia, I was blatting down the coast south of Fremantle in my Toyota Landcruiser when I caught up with a bright yellow VW Beetle convertible. It was pootling along in the sunshine, so I pulled out to pass it on a straight stretch of road.

    As I pulled level, I glanced left to check my progress and distance, did a double-take and almost lost control. The VW’s top was down and the two young ladies in it were topless.

    I got a cheeky wave from both of them and a definite, deliberate jiggle from the well-stacked passenger.

    Aussie girls! 😀

    The second incident sounds like one of Crime Analyst’s stories. A bloke was seriously injured when his car hit a tree, and while being cut free he was mumbling “the tree just jumped in front of me”.

    It sounds far-fetched, but it was very close to the truth. A truck going over an overpass had lost a large, root-balled tree that was being moved from a nursery to a new golf course. The tree toppled over the parapet of the overpass, the weight of the earth around the rootball kept it upright, and it hit the ground smack in front of the car driving below.


    So yes, it did indeed look like the tree jumped in front of the poor sod.

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