Being a police officer in the UK…

It seems all the yahoos, lefties and ‘liberalists’ (read: anarchists) have jumped on the bandwagon with the news that the police use of stop search was illegal.  I was browsing a Guardian blog earlier today at work and, unfortunately, didn’t copy the link to pop it in this blog – I’ve just spent 20 minutes trying to find it at home and I can’t now… Meh.

Note to self: must be more organised with this blogging lark. (And yes, blog more often perhaps!!) 🙂

Anyhow, I was rooting around and found an old e-mail that was doing the rounds about 7 years ago – it seems quite pertinent to the state of public opinion regarding the police at the moment, so I thought I’d post it:


How do you tell the difference between a British Police officer, an Australian Police officer and an American Police officer?


Pose the following question:

You are walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children when suddenly, a dangerous-looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and charges.

You are carrying a Glock 17 and you are an expert shot.  You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

Evenin' all

Evenin' all

UK Police officers:

Well, that’s not really enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Have I seen the Risk Assessment for this situation?

Should I write one out now?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What happens to my pension if I injure my back doing that?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

When did I last have refresher training to use it – and is that adequately recorded?

Was the trainer appropriately accredited?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway and what kind of message does this send to society and my children?

Is it possible that he’d be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 999?

Would there be any police patrols available if I did or are they all engaging with the community on foot?

Why is this street so deserted?

Maybe we need to raise taxes, have a ‘paint and weed’ day and make this a healthier, happier street that would discourage such behaviour?

If I raise my gun and he runs away do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?

If I shoot him and he successfully convinces the jury he was just pleased to see me and waving hello (having forgotten about the knife in his hand he’d been using to carve a pumpkin for his four-year old daughter), does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and my family home?”

Australian Police

Ya nicked, Bruce!

Australian officer:


American Police

I'm sorry? He was texting death threats?

American officer:


Daughter’s comment:

“Nice grouping, Dad!  Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or the hollow-points I bought you for your birthday?”

Just a thought but, if some of the lefties in this country lived in America, I think they’d die of a heart attack in a couple of seconds as the above joke is worryingly close to the truth these days.

Challenge for the readers:

Feel free to add further comments/considerations for the British Police Officers. 🙂


13 Responses to “Being a police officer in the UK…”

  1. Tony F Says:

    😀 I’m all in favour or suicide in jails too….

  2. kKop Says:

    Perhaps as well as prayer mats and so on, there should be clearly marked ligature points, anti-chafe rope, electric socket with supercondutive knitting needles to stick in it and cyanide tablets that taste reassuringly of methadone for the less brave. 😉

  3. Alex Says:

    Tony F – do you actively encourage suicide in jails then? I mean we really do not want scum bags called Wayne interferring with Refreshments and causing us to fill in endless forms when their lives are worth diddly squat aye?

  4. justabobby Says:

    You know what? These days I think we’ve placed such a premium on human rights that we’ve completely devalued it as a concept. There should very definitely be a sliding scale of application. In the event that I find a burglar in my house, a man runs at me with a knife, someone physically threatens my wife, a colleague or a member of the public, at that pointy their human rights are suspended in favour of those they’re victimising. They’ve made the choice, they bear the consequences. And let’s be clear, in any such situation, my idea of “proportionate” force is overwhelming force. We aren’t the same, and the shitbags need to know that, loud and clear. Yes, the human rights of the 70 year old pensioner take precedence over the 16 year old shit scum vermin pushing dogshit through his letterbox. The lives of the general public take precedence over the man waving a shotgun out of a window and firing at random, mental health issues or not.
    We have systematically devalued human life by adhering to the specious idea that *everyone* is equally entitled to it, no matter their part in a situation.

    • kkop Says:

      Welcome to the blog, justabobby. 🙂

      There is certainly a disproportionate amount of effort being placed on human rights for all and your sliding-scale of application idea has a ring of practicality to it. My personal take on this sort of thing is that once a person decides to cross the line and become a criminal, they forego any claim to ‘uman rights.

  5. Tony F Says:

    Alex, why not? After all in the long run, its a saving for us taxpayers. I am surprised NuLabour hasn’t gone for it big time!

    The ‘Human rights’ act was, and is, one of the worst pieces of legislation ever written. For a start, it assumes all people are the same, but only in a weird ‘Animal Farm’ way. Some how, the pond life’s ‘rights’ trump honest citizens rights. By honest citizen, I mead a net producer (a tax payer) as opposed to a ‘can’t work, won’t work’ parasite.

  6. Tired and Fed-Up Says:

    Ooh, might have thought of an extra consideration for the list while the loon is disembowelling me and my family. How about, “Do I have a current or long standing injury/ ailment that precludes my ability to participate in this activity?”

    Back to the real world, ECHR is just about one of the worst things that has happened to this country but I note that the rest of Europe (I know for a fact that this includes France, Italy and Spain) simply ignore parts of the act, especially article 3 if it becomes inconvenient to them. Well, we can’t we then? It grips my shit no end that we dogmatically stick to the precise letter of the law when to do so only serves the pond-life and not the unfortunate victim who, unlike their tormentor, has no idea of how the process of law works and consequently no clue how to manipulate it, as all chavs do.

  7. kkop Says:

    I think the dogmatic application of the law is a British trait, T&FU. It is a shame that we can’t do as they do in France, Spain et al but I suspect that to do so would require politicians with both balls and spines, to name but two physical attributes, let alone honesty, integrity and the courage of their moral convictions.

    There are two types of suspect, however, and I would like to think that the human rights of one type wouldn’t automatically be removed.. I am referring to the suspect who has been arrested on suspicion, where there is not enough evidence to charge.

    The other type, however, caught red-handed – like a certain armed robber shot outside the bank he’d just robbed – would certainly fit into the ‘bread n water’ category.

  8. Tired and Fed-Up Says:

    Yeah, completely agree with you, kKop – I certainly wouldn’t want to start treating everyone as a hardened villain. I do, however, feel there’s a case for a “creative” approach given some of the rubbish floating about on the pond.

  9. Vicky Says:

    As an American citizen that have never been arrested nor have done any criminal activity I can tell you the joke is so TRUE.
    I loved & laughed aloud at the :

    Here in America for the most part the police are: arrogant beyond belief, snippy, rude to answer any questions no matter how politely you address them, smug when they do answer. Smirky, they don’t think their job entails courtesy to civilians.
    For cops here in the USA there are only two groups of people:
    Those who ARE cops and those who are NOT cops.
    USA cops see civilians as either a criminal or WORSE you’re wasting their time.
    My husband ,a very mild mannered, low key and polite man asked a NYC cop to direct him to a place.The policeman quickly BARKED the direction.Due to the a fire truck passing by my husband was not able to catch the last part of what cop said. My husband then asked: “Pardon me Officer, I was not able to catch the last part”.
    The officer angry screamed: LEFT! LEFT! I said take LEFT! LEFT!!!!
    You got it NOW? LEFT!
    It’s the same philosophy of :”BANG! BANG ! BANG Click click click”

  10. Riddle Me This Says:

    Just randomly came across this via the picture of the AOS guys – I’m a Kiwi so can’t speak from experience of dealing with British police but enjoyed your post all the same 🙂

    Are you still in the force all these years later?

    • kKop Says:

      Hi – yes, still doing my bit for Queen and Country. 🙂 Older, wiser and more cynical than ever now. Times are not good for the thin blue line at the moment.

      I hope all is well down under! Its been a while since I visited NZ. Had a great time there. 😀

      • Riddle Me This Says:

        Times are tough for our police force too.
        From a civilian perspective the public attitude to police is not great (though not terrible either) but there is not nearly enough funding as there should be so police are understaffed and under-resourced.

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