You couldn’t ‘make it up’ – or could you…?

Just a quicky, but I thought I’d make an attempt to be first for a change. (You can tell I’ve got my laptop back – The Boss feels like she’s alone in the world once again!) 😉

A bit more information has surfaced regarding PC Fran Croucher – the officer who triggered an outpouring of good-faith messages and not a few Facebook groups baying for the blood of whoever invented this ‘single-crewing’ malarky.

Kent Police have maintained a bit of a media black hole on this one – for good reason given the PR damage it will no doubt cause – and news has been thin on the ground.  It would appear, however, that Fran has been using a bit of artistic licence and may have been using makeup to simulate the injuries she would have received, had her allegation of being beaten up by two blokes from a van she’d stopped held a shred of truth.

Problem is, not only did they photograph her injuries at the time, but also a couple of days later once the bruising had – sorry, would have – come out properly.  The problem with this, it seems, is that Fran forgot where she put the original marks and so, several days later, the second set of photos didn’t match the first in injury placement.

What Fran's injuries MAY have looked like...

Fran's injuries - an artist's impression.

We still don’t know the full truth of what happened and probably never will, but one thing is clear – this whole sorry affair will do nothing but untold damage to our reputation, as the media is so good at putting the blame of one person’s actions against the feet of every single officer in the land.

You couldn’t make it up.


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14 Responses to “You couldn’t ‘make it up’ – or could you…?”

  1. Adam Says:

    Yes, if this does turn out to be all smoke’n’mirrors, I would say the timing was so convenient you’d have to wonder if she was the beneficiary of a large check from a Mr J. Straw.

  2. Fee Says:

    The whole thing seems a bit “odd” to me, I have to say. I agree we’ll probably never know the full story, so I’m a bit reluctant to condemn, but IF she made the whole thing up, then surely an arse-kicking will swiftly follow? Or will the force concerned be more bothered about arse-covering?

    • kkop Says:

      I think arse kicking will be in order – whatever happens, the arse is out and there’s no point covering it now. Being suspended pending some very serious investigations and breachs of discipline, I very seriously doubt Fran will be taking any other than an immediate dismissal at best.

      But like you say Fee, let’s not shut the gate before the horse has bolted. Or something. We still don’t know all the facts, yet.

      How’s the golf coming along? 🙂

      • Fee Says:

        Well, our answer to Tiger Woods has removed my means of defence (or offence!) from the bedroom, in order to do something else with them. Play golf, I think. Honestly, does he think I spent all that money buying him new clubs so he could get them all mucky on the course? Ungrateful beggar.

        I can now look forward to a spring of detailed descriptions of the state of the local course as he attempts to get his handicap back down to single figures.

        Anyone breaking in can now look forward to a whack on the head with a lava lamp!

  3. policeboy Says:


    Ah, you beat me to this as well. Although I admit I hadn’t thought of altering her picture to make her look like a cross-dressing pirate! I don’t know what I make of it all yet. It’s getting a bit like a spoof, don’t you think?

    Carry On Croucher, anyone 😉


    • kkop Says:

      Aaarrrhh, me harties. A cross-dressing pirate – love the description, I hadn’t spotted that myself!

      Let’s just say that I certainly wouldn’t try faking injuries with makeup with artistic abilities like that! 😉

  4. Adam Says:

    And on a slightly related note – I’ve never liked him and this has to be seen as a score for the good guys.

  5. policeboy Says:

    Yeah, I saw that as well. I don’t really know what to make of it yet. Four years is a long time, regardless of how much is actually spent inside.

    I dunno, the guy just makes me feel … uneasy :\


  6. kkop Says:

    The best advice I can give the guy is the usual, “Don’t pick up the soap in the shower.”

    Couldn’t happen to a more deserving scrote.

  7. Area Trace No Search Says:

    Hmm. What’s the equivalent soap/shower advice for females?

    Just in case PC Croucher needs it…

  8. Tired and Fed-Up Says:

    Man, this really is turning into a spoof; never mind ‘send on the clowns’, it seems Fran will oblige if we need a spot of greasepaint. Oh, by the way, kK, since the horrible thing will almost certainly be locked up with VPs (mainly sex offenders), your advice couldn’t be more appropriate…………unlucky!

  9. allcoppedout Says:

    If Fran’s incident didn’t happen, we should get to know what drove her to do it. One wonders, if this is the case, how the press got in so quickly and how she was taken seriously in the first place, if it’s all this farcical.
    Poor lass in my view, whatever the case.

    I remember our own equivalent of Nightjack (the best jack in our nick) having to get very inventive to evade problems with a non-existent crime, several cuffed crime booklets, a police woman shared more frequently than a Cambridge bike and the need to have been somewhere else when she was assaulted by someone else, claiming it to be he. He was lucky. I had just cracked the trail of several thousand missing cans of corned beef, and in the embarrassment of the super-detective worthies over a Plod being somewhat more competent than them in solving this major crime in our backwater, it was a great relief for them to discover their man was with me off-division all the time directing operations rather than some Wally. They must have known something was afoot, as I was suddenly sent to the Met to do a ‘special TDC’ (missing the detective’s course and its excellent beer) before the PSD could get at me (then Y-front Dept, or somesuch). The policewoman was sent to the mounted section to continue business-as-usual, where they discovered she couldn’t ride horses. The missing crimes got TICed to some half-wit using my Panda car’s roof (canteen shut due to health and safety order) one night, during his escape with the local Coop’s till at 1.30 a.m. ‘It’s a fair cop’, he said – something I didn’t note down as no-one would ever have believed it. How many of the 48 TICs were his I’m not sure, but I had to drop my butties chasing him, so he was lucky we didn’t have an unsolved murder. The universe was once at peace with itself. My mate is now a DCS. I turn up every now and again to embarrass him. Fran may just lack the right kind of mates. Given Dizaei, a months basket-weaving would seem appropriate, should our suspicions be true.

    • kkop Says:

      “had just cracked the trail of several thousand missing cans of corned beef..”

      I trust you didn’t make a hash of it, then? 😉

      I’ll get me coat…

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